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Cabernet Sauvignon: Charlotte Tilbury Hollywood Lips Liquid Lipstick


Cabernets are the ultimate classic when it comes to wine- so you should have an equally classic lip shade to match! Cabernets are full-bodied, usually with notes of cherries, dark fruits, and a hint of spice. Choosing a shade like Hollywood Lips Liquid Lipstick from Charlotte Tilbury will capture that classic red lip that you crave without overshadowing the wine you’ve poured into your glass.

Rosé: Mac Vegas Volt


Rose wines tend to whisk you off to memories of summer and beachy weather, so a slightly lighter shade makes sense when sipping on it. Rose usually embodies fruits such as strawberries and watermelons, as well as citrus notes that have a clean finish. Rocking a coral hue like MAC’s Vegas Volt will give you a relaxed feel and look- which is likely the mood you’re in while you’re sipping on that glass.

Pinot Grigio: Estee Lauder Pure Color Envy Sculpting Lipstick


If you reach for this crisp white when you’re ordering, you know that it’s refreshing and citrus taste calls for a lip color that is just as demure and intriguing. Pinot Grigio wines usually carry notes of white peach, cantaloupe, and almond and have a higher acidity than most of its white counterparts. Going for a light berry shade such as Pure Color Envy from Estee Lauder enhances your smile without screaming for attention- which makes it a perfect compliment!

Moscato: Maybelline Color Sensational Made For All Lipstick in Pink for Me


Sometimes you need a wine that is easy to drink, and Moscato fits the bill perfectly. With plenty of sweetness and qualities such as honey, orange, traces of caramel, this wine is decadent without being too sugary. It’s a wine that even the most devoted of dry wine lovers can get behind, given its subtle sweetness with a hint of fizz. In the same way, you’ll need to grab a lipstick that is universally flattering and makes just enough of a statement without begging for attention. This Maybelline lipstick in “Pink for Me” is just dark enough not to be a nude shade, but not so bright that it steals the spotlight- a perfect match!

Merlot: Sephora Crimson Crush


Merlot drinkers aren’t afraid to go a little darker with their palettes- in both taste and color. Merlot wines boast flavors of cherry, dark plum, and even chocolate- decadent and indulgent. It makes sense for you to take the same attitude with your lip shade. Swiping on a coat of Sephora’s “Crimson Crush” is a dark hue that makes a statement that you aren’t afraid to show off. Besides, who wouldn’t want to rock a shade that matches their wine?

Pinot Noir: Tarte in “FOMO”


Pinot Noir wines are easy-going and playful- and they aren’t afraid to show it. You can easily find notes of cherry and raspberry, with hints of vanilla and spice. Its versatility makes it easy to drink during the day or at night- and you need a lip color that can keep up. Choosing a mauve hue like “FOMO” from Tarte will ensure that you can keep a classic look during the day, but won’t fade in the background once you go out for the night.

Chardonnay: Honest Beauty in “Love”

Honest Beauty

Chardonnay already holds its own as the most requested white wine- it carries a classic and elegant persona that refuses to be ignored. With notes of yellow apple, pineapple, vanilla, and smooth butter, it has no problem stealing the show. Although it seems pretty contrasting, grabbing a bright red lip color is a perfect way to do the same! This option from Honest Beauty, aptly titled “Love,” certainly goes out of its way to turn heads, much like that bright golden beverage you can’t get enough of!

Sparkling Wine: Fenty Beauty Stunna Lip Paint Longwear Fluid Lip Color in “Unlocked”


When it’s time to celebrate (even if it’s just getting through the week), everyone knows that bubbly wines are the way to go. With notes of citrus, cream, and almond, it certainly stands out- especially once you pour it in a glass and watch the bubbles race to the top! When you’re excited and ready to celebrate, you need to rock a bold lip color that will capture everyone’s attention- and a bright, electric pink will do just the trick! Don’t be afraid to reach for something like “Stunna Lip Paint” from FENTY BEAUTY to make the moment unforgettable, no matter how much champagne you might partake in!


1. Short responses. That is always a telltale sign.

2. Going to bed with their jeans/button up shirt still on.

3. They have nothing to talk about or don’t give any opinions. It’s a sign that nothing excites or interests them.

4. I look for avoidance behaviors. They’re usually subtle, like canceling plans at the last minute, a usually on-time person showing up late, somebody offering a lot of excuses for why they can’t/won’t do something that used to be part of their typical routine.

5. Even if this person looks very happy you can easily put them down, make them sad or cry. They become very upset when someone is even a little bit rude to them, they can be very loud and happy at one moment and quiet at another.

6. Tired, if they aren’t sleeping well often times something is keeping them up. Also tiredness is a commonly used excuse to answer, “Are you ok?”

7. Hiding in their clothes (hoodies and jackets, hats pulled down).

8. No attention to themselves, how they look, how they’re dressed, what they’re eating.

9. The spend excessive amounts of time on social media.

10. Weight gain.

11. Similarly, weight loss. I can end up feeling too apathetic to even bother making food and wind up a twig.

12. Poor decisions. Sometimes they’re spending all their emotional energy on the basics; when it’s time to eat or make major purchases they do them on impulse, so they get fat and in debt.

13. They always keep the conversation about you even when you ask them how they are doing.

14. Messy room/car. You notice they don’t shower or brush their teeth as often.

15. Emotionally withdrawing, spending time isolated or playing video games all the time to escape.

16. They’re always cracking jokes, those people usually have a lot pent up disappointment that they can’t find happiness so they try to spread happiness to anyone else.

17. They smile at you, because they want to be nice/friendly – but as soon as you look away, the smile falls off their face. Because they kind of put it there, rather than it rising up naturally. Once its job is done, they let it go.

18. Lack of eye contact is a big flag.

19. They don’t put any effort into life.

20. Always on their phone when with friends.

21. Not answering emails and texts is a warning sign for me.

22. They seem too happy, no matter what is actually going on with them.

23. “Always” and “never” are very common words.

24. Shock and odd reactions when someone throws a compliment their way.

25. Dead eyes. When I ran into a friend after leaving my gaslighting ex I told her that we had broken up and why. Her response was, “I knew you were being abused. Your eyes were dead but now they are full of life.”

26. It took me a very long time to realize that ANGER is one of my first responses to depression. I feel like we imagine those gray blobs from the commercials that are listless and distracted and sad but for me, unchecked depression expresses as ANGER. I can’t believe the stupidity around me, I give no one the benefit of the doubt, I assume everything is a slight and preemptively expect slights. As you can imagine, it’s utterly exhausting and TERRIBLE to be around.

27. When they ask you what you’re doing all the time and are a little pushy because they just wanna talk to someone but never say it straightforward that they aren’t happy and that they need some company.

28. They stop engaging in hobbies and activities they used to love.

29. They want to have alone time way more than they usually do.

30. I think a lot of the time people who are secretly unhappy do their best to make the people they care about laugh and feel happy. As they know what it’s like to feel so down and unhappy with the world they don’t wish for the people they care about to feel that way.


1. That anything but perfection is a failure. Progress is often incremental and takes time.

2. The idea that “resting is lazy.” Self-care is a somewhat new concept to most people, and humans suck at it. We focus on things that aren’t biologically sound – like dieting, exercising to failure, or working 80 hours a week – and totally ignore what we actually makes sense in regards to being healthier and more fulfilled.

3. “I can fix this person who has hurt me many times.”

4. “If you can’t handle me at my worst then you don’t deserve me at my best.”

Sometimes someone’s worst is an absolute deal-breaker and needing to cut ties and move on doesn’t mean that that person doesn’t deserve the good things that come from a better relationship.

5. “No days off.” Sometimes you need a mental health day or a break, and people make it sound like if you don’t work yourself into the ground you won’t be successful. Successful people know when to recharge. Just an annoying mindset.

6. Quitting is only for losers.

If you try something and don’t like it, why keep doing it? Why not allow yourself to switch to a better major or try a different sport or get a new job?

I mean, don’t quit everything once it gets hard, but why stay miserable for a “quitters never win” mentality? Get a job you LIKE. Do an activity you LIKE.

7. The view that you’re good enough the way you are. I know that may sound strange, but no one’s perfect and we can all change ourselves in a positive ways. This mindset does have its correct uses (such as coming out of an abusive relationship) but more and more I’m seeing it used to justify staying a worse person than who you could be.

8. That if a person doesn’t immediately text you back then they don’t love you.

9. If you don’t post about a tragedy or support something on social media, you are ok with or don’t support/care about said something.

10. Expecting everything instantly. Patience is a virtue. You’re not going to die if you have to wait in line.

11. “If something doesn’t work 100% of the time, it isn’t worth doing.”

People use this as an excuse to never do anything. Or to deny others from trying. It’s frustrating and holds us back as a species.

12. The concept that both fault and responsibility can only be 100% or 0% and that if someone else has some fault it absolves another of all responsibility.

13. That if you change your mind or opinion about something you’re being fake or phony.

14. If you don’t like someone, you must be just jealous.

15. If you don’t listen to every song or know everything about a band you are not a real fan.

16. If you’re not 100% with us, you’re 100% against us.

17. You’re entitled to speak your mind. You’re not entitled to have people listen, comply, or care.

18. That you need to stay in contact with all of your family members even though some of them are incredibly toxic.

19. Everybody that doesn’t get along with you or agree with you is “toxic.” People are starting to expect being around nobody but people that agree with them, like a constant feedback bubble on social media, but in real life.

20. Saying “no offense” before saying something offensive won’t automatically make your comment less offensive.

21. That if you don’t like something (like a movie or video game) it means it’s bad. C’mon people, grow up already.

22. Assuming that people are not allowed to change their opinions or values over time, and judging people, famous or not, for comments made decades ago. Yes, some people have patterns of problematic comments and behavior and should not be ignored. But it also makes sense that, for example, a politician may have learned more about abortion or healthcare or what have you and be able to change their stance. We are not the same people at 25 and 50.

23. Broadcasting everything on social media…

24. “My opinion is as good as your evidence.”

25. Stop comparing traumas. It’s not a fucking competition. Learn to have empathy and take care of each others’ mental health.

26. Something I notice in the gym is the “No pain, no gain!” mentality is rampant. It is good to feel soreness and tightness after and during your workout, but working yourself to pain hinders your progress immensely. Crossfit takes this to an extreme, encouraging people to workout until total failure which can result in severe injury. Working out shouldn’t be painful. One wrong tear and you’re toast.

27. That just because someone is “trying to help” doesn’t mean you can’t tell them to stop.

28. That showing emotion makes you weak, especially men.

29. Telling kids, especially young girls, that others only pick on them because they’re jealous of them or fancy them. That is how you teach your kids that people abuse you because they like you. It needs to stop.

3o. “I can’t change anything so I’m not going to try it.”

31. That we should have unconditional love for our relatives. Bitch, if you hurt me enough, why should I even like you?

32. “Butt in seat” mentality at white collar office-type jobs. If you do your job at a computer there is no reason you shouldn’t be able to work from home. Then attendance is not as important as just getting work done, and it eliminates the need for commuting, which eases traffic and pollution.

33. There is this whole work culture expectation now of always being reachable by email or text for whatever happens. A lot of places expect, and at times demand, that you be pretty much on call even when you’re not at the office anymore.

There should be some level of balance between work and personal life and I feel like that is fading because so many places are adapting this type of culture and mentality, especially start-ups.

34. People who oppose good things because ‘I struggled through it and so should you!’ instead of thinking ‘good, nobody should go through that if possible.’

35. Alcoholism being romanticized. No, it’s pretty terrible to be honest.

36. A life without children is empty and worthless.

I am confident that I would be a terrible parent, and no it won’t change, and no my life will not suffer because of it. It is better to have that insight and avoid parenthood that have kids you resent, mistreat, or are unprepared for.

37. “I read about it on the internet, therefore it’s true!” My grandma does this all the time to “prove” her argument and it always ends up being from some Buzzfeed article. Drives me fucking nuts.


Sometimes, you need to step away from situations that make you feel comfortable. You need to decide to do the thing that sounds like the most amount of work, the most amount of effort, the most amount of time, the most amount of risk.

Sometimes, you need to escape your comfort zone. You need to challenge yourself. You need to see what you’re capable of achieving when you let your bravery take control.

Sometimes, you need to let your worries take a backseat. You need to ignore your doubts, your fears, your what-ifs. You need to take a chance on yourself, even though you’re not completely sure of yourself, even though you have doubts, even though you aren’t positive whether you’re making the right move or making a mistake.

Sometimes, remaining in your comfort zone is a mistake. It can cause you to get too comfortable. It can cause you to settle. It can cause you to give up on your hopes and dreams because where you are right now isn’t that bad and you would rather continue on the way you’ve been living than make your world more complicated, than take risks, than put in the effort.

Sometimes, you’re doing yourself a disservice by allowing yourself to get too cozy in your current position.

You might need a change of pace. You might need a fresh start. You might need to start moving in another direction because if you stay right there forever you’re never going to grow, never going to evolve, never going to test your own potential.

Sometimes, you need to ask yourself whether you’re living the way you are right now because you’re happy or because you’re comfortable. You don’t want to give up on your dreams because you’re too terrified to chase after them. You don’t want to convince yourself you’re done trying because you don’t think you can get any further. You don’t want to lose faith in yourself.

Sometimes, you need to sacrifice your comfort for something greater. For true happiness. For inner peace. For a sense of self.

You don’t want to convince yourself this, right here, is as good as it’s going to get. You always want to strive for more. You’re a work in progress — and so is your life. You should never stop learning, stop growing, stop trying. You should keep trying to better yourself and better your situation.

Sometimes, you need to put yourself in uncomfortable situations. You need to make the first move instead of sitting around and waiting for someone else to ask you out on a date. You need to apply for your dream position instead of settling for the one you have right now. You need to go out and see the world — or at least see your town. You need to really live your life instead of settling for an okay existence.

Sometimes, you need to make the scariest choice. You need to act with courage. You need to escape your comfort zone.


You might feel like you’re alone because everyone else looks like they have their lives together. Because everyone else seems to be moving at a healthy pace and hitting all the right milestones. Because it seems like you’re the only one struggling this hard, feeling this confused, feeling this numb.

You might feel like you’re alone because you spend most of your weekends locked in your room. You spend most of your outings hiding in the corner. You spend most of your life looking in from the outside.

You might feel like you’re alone because there’s no one around who seems to understand what you’re going through. Because whenever you express the way you’ve been feeling, no one else seems to get it. No one else seems to take you seriously.

You might feel like you’re alone in the world, but other people are going through the same struggles. They’re feeling the same feelings. Some of those people are strangers. But some of those people are familiar ones. They’re people you know. People you admire. People you’ve been jealous of before.

Just because they don’t let their vulnerable side show when you’re around doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. After all, think of how many people you hide your own vulnerability from. Think of how many smiles you’ve faked, how many little white lies you’ve told. You aren’t the only one. More people are like you than you think.

No matter what you’re experiencing, no matter how hard life feels right now, you should try to take comfort in the fact you aren’t alone. Not now. Not ever.

You need to stop believing the lie that one cares about you, because that isn’t the truth. You have friends. Family. Neighbors. Coworkers. They might not check in on you every single day the way you wish they would, but that doesn’t mean they don’t care about you. That doesn’t mean you aren’t important to them.

Some people aren’t as vocal about their feelings. Some people don’t do a good job of reminding their loved ones of how much they care. But they do care. They do love you. They do want you to be okay.

Even though there are times when you feel like you’re completely alone, that’s never the case. You have support. You have encouragement. Maybe it’s from the people surrounding you, or maybe it’s from strangers you’ve never met, but it exists. 

Even though you might feel alone right now, you’re going to get through this rough time in your life. You’re going to survive and come out stronger. You’re going to surprise yourself by how much you can handle, how hard you can fight.

Even if no one has told you this lately, you matter.

Even if no one has told you this lately, you’re deserving of love. 

Even if no one has told you this lately, you’re going to get through this.

Even if no one has told you this lately, you are not as alone as you think you are. 


It’s better to be single than to fight for the wrong relationship. To fight for the wrong person. To fight for the wrong love.

It’s better to be single than to remain with the wrong someone, simply because you have history with them. Because you’re used to them. Because you cannot picture a world without them. 

It’s better to be single than to pour all of your effort into a relationship you know isn’t working. A relationship you know is making you unhappy. A relationship you know is meant to be left in your past.

It’s better to be single than to stubbornly continue dating someone who isn’t giving you everything you need. Someone who is beneath your standards. Someone who is never going to treat you the way you deserve.

It’s better to be single than to ignore the warning signs. To pretend everything is perfectly fine. To act like this is only a small bump along the road, when really, you’ve been having the same problems for a while now.

It’s better to be single than to cling to a relationship out of fear of being alone. Out of fear you aren’t going to find anyone else meant for you. Out of fear you wasted so many years of your life on the wrong person. Out of fear of starting over again, dating again, being on your own again.

It’s better to be single than to act like you’re happy in your current situation. To act like you aren’t interested in a change. To act like you’re perfectly fine with being the person who does all the work, who carries all the weight. 

It’s better to be single than to accept your unhappiness as the norm. To accept that this is as good as it’s going to get. To accept the unfair treatment you’ve been getting, even though you’ve been giving nothing but respect.

It’s better to be single than to settle for a relationship that just isn’t working. To settle for a person who just isn’t the right fit for you. To settle for a love that just isn’t what you imagined. 

It’s better to be single than to spend your time wiping away tears. To spend your time screaming through arguments. To spend your time wondering whether you’re the problem, whether you’re unlovable, whether you should be doing something differently.

It’s better to stay single than to lie to yourself about your happiness. To lie to yourself about your feelings. To lie to yourself about whether this is what you really want.

It’s better to be single than to force a relationship to work. To force your person to pay attention to you. To force yourself to believe everything is going to turn out okay. 

It’s better to be single than to fight for the wrong relationship because you’re only prolonging the inevitable. Deep down, you know you aren’t supposed to end up together. You know love isn’t supposed to be this difficult. You know you’re better off apart.


Technologist, serial entrepreneur, world-class investor, self-experimenter, and all-around wild and crazy guy Kevin Rose (@KevinRose),  rejoins me for another episode of “The Random Show.” In this one we explore the language of relationships, polarity, energy management, difficult conversations, finding peace and patience, the importance of self-compassion, the search for palatable decaf coffee, panic-selling, serving the moment, and much more!

Please enjoy! 

Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Overcast, Stitcher, Castbox, Google Podcasts, or on your favorite podcast platform. You can also watch the conversation on YouTube

#408: The Random Show — New Year's Resolutions, 2010-2019 Lessons Learned, Finding Joy, Energy Management, and Much More

This episode of The Tim Ferriss Show is brought to you by Calm. What did LeBron James tell me was the single most important element of his training regimen? Sleep. Whether you’re an athlete, programmer, or student, healthy sleep is essential to peak performance. It strengthens your immune system. It improves cognitive functions like problem-solving and decision-making. It gives you creativity and energy.

Here’s the problem: sound sleep is a rare thing in this caffeinated, hyperconnected, overstimulated world of ours. But there’s a place to get rest, and that is Calm. Just download Calm, and you’ll find a whole library of programs designed for healthy sleep: soundscapes, guided meditations, and over a hundred sleep stories narrated by the world’s most soothing voices like LeVar Burton and Nick Offerman. Right now, listeners of The Tim Ferriss Show get 40% off a Calm premium subscription at!

This episode is also brought to you by LinkedIn Marketing Solutions, the go-to tool for B2B marketers and advertisers who want to drive brand awareness, generate leads, or build long-term relationships that result in real business impact.

With a community of more than 575 million professionals, LinkedIn is gigantic, but it can be hyper-specific. You have access to a diverse group of people all searching for things they need to grow professionally. LinkedIn has the marketing tools to help you target your customers with precision, right down to job title, company name, industry, etc.  To redeem your free $100 LinkedIn ad credit and launch your first campaign, go to!

What was your favorite quote or lesson from this episode? Please let me know in the comments.


Want to hear another episode of The Random Show? — Check out my conversation with Kevin when I was in his neck of the woods a few months back in which we discussed Japanese whiskey, domestic speakeasies, wooden saddles, poetry, the art of surrender and letting go, and mushroom cultivation in the Pacific Northwest. (Stream below or right-click here to download):

#391: The Random Show — On Fasting, Forest Bathing, How to Say NO, Rebooting the Self, and Much More


  • Connect with Kevin Rose:

The Kevin Rose Show | Oak Meditation | Zero | Instagram | Twitter


  • Why is Kevin introducing this show like he’s the 2020 incarnation of Rain Man? [04:03]
  • Why was wine appropriate for the 10-year anniversary of Kevin and Darya’s first date? [04:57]
  • Opining on lessons learned from past relationships, polarity, sensitivity, and cultivating the structures that make our current relationships work — even when there’s an occasional breakdown in communication. [07:09]
  • What did therapy look like when Kevin and Darya were seeing a therapist, and what are the most valuable tools they took away from the experience? [20:12]
  • What a writer can learn when they get language wrong in a relationship and their partner is patient enough to guide the conversation toward a more understanding tone. [21:48]
  • What comes to mind most when Kevin reflects on the past decade and what the years ahead have in store? In what area does he feel he’s improved upon thanks to lessons and interactions from the past? [25:33]
  • Why I tend to err on the side of admitting I don’t know something or someone rather than trying to fake it, where I think my biggest knowledge gaps are currently, and how I’m trying to minimize the number of decisions I’m obligated to make. [28:28]
  • Why I’m now so committed to strategically saying “no” when I used to say “yes” to everything. [31:22]
  • As someone who’s known me since well before I had 618,952 unread emails, 287 unread text messages, a neverending supply of unsolicited spam books from publishers, and occasional recognition from strangers on the street, Kevin wonders if I maybe feel a little overwhelmed these days. How am I dealing with time, attention, and energy management? [35:00]
  • What are the categories of things that have depleted our energy versus the categories of things that have given us energy? What would we like to more of/less of in 2020? [39:53]
  • Pondering questions Jerry Colonna asked me in episode 373 and applying them to the new year (and heavy conversations I’ve had over the past two weeks): How am I complicit in creating the conditions I say I don’t want? What needs to be said that isn’t being said? What’s being said that I’m not hearing? What am I saying that’s not being heard? [45:32]
  • Thoughtful notes to the living and dead, why I resolved to have some recent difficult conversations by voice instead of mail, why I don’t write Kevin as many love letters as I used to, and why a resolution can serve the purpose of closing a loop even if it doesn’t offer any solutions. [51:29]
  • Important realizations I’ve had when thinking back over the last 10 years. [58:11]
  • What does the next decade look like for me from a bio-hacking standpoint? Is it still something I focus on, or have I moved away from it intentionally? [1:01:30]
  • How my interest in bio-hacking began as a self-defense mechanism, and why my focus has shifted more from the known to the unknown in terms of how treatments for certain maladies and disorders are being explored now. [1:07:15]
  • A realization I’ve had recently about finding peace, and why I’m not making a million resolutions for 2020. [1:16:39]
  • To what does Kevin credit his greater sense of ease and patience over the last few years? How does this contrast with the way he dealt with situations in the past — even situations he should have been enjoying but couldn’t? [1:17:42]
  • A book I’m really enjoying now that would have earned mockery from the me of 10 years ago — and how it’s helping me reframe some of the mental struggles that both of us have endured. [1:20:15]
  • A lot of people who take pride in being achievers don’t extend compassion toward themselves — and I think Kevin and I have both fallen prey to this self-neglect in the past. If you’re having internal dialogue that’s critical without being compassionate, how might we suggest breaking away from its influence for a fresh perspective? [1:27:04]
  • Is there such a thing as good decaf coffee? If you know of any, please tweet Kevin! For my part, I’m happy to be the first non-caffeinated monkey shot into space on the quest to enlightenment through abstinence. [1:31:32]
  • Addressing one of the biggest self-help elephants in the room. [1:33:54]
  • If psychedelics become a legal form of therapy, can the world look forward to Tim Ferriss-branded psychedelic treatment mall kiosks? [1:37:37]
  • One fun money-generating idea for psychedelic research charity I’m thinking of pursuing in 2020, how Kevin’s connections may already be able to help, and why I think money spent in the direction of this research is capable of such monumental, world-changing results. [1:44:52]
  • Dream artists I would love to have participating in this effort. [1:48:23]
  • What uninvestigated secrets might be revealed by paying top-tier journalists $2 a word to find them? [1:49:57]
  • What does Kevin feel he did quite well over the past 10 years, and what insight might he offer others seeking similar success? [1:55:13]
  • What is Kevin’s framework for deciding when it’s time to sell off investments — or buy more? [1:59:19]
  • A time I most regret panic-selling an investment, why it happened then, and what I’ve learned since that decreases the likelihood of panic-selling as my go-to strategy now. [2:01:14]
  • Understanding one’s own strengths and weaknesses, the luxury of being able to make occasional mistakes in the investment game when you hit home runs more often than you strike out, and how Kevin plays this game safer than it probably looks to an outside observer. [2:04:50]
  • What is Kevin’s “20 percent ultra-risky” strategy, how did he invest when he didn’t have much to risk, and what happens when that 20 percent grows to 40 or even 90 percent? [2:08:40]
  • On living well as the best revenge, becoming better at following my own advice over the past 10 years, and why letting an Internet troll starve is ultimately better for you and the troll. [2:13:08]
  • How Kevin applies Michael Singer’s quote to “serve the moment” to his own circumstances. [2:19:12]
  • Final thoughts. [2:20:32]


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1. Your optimism could hurt you. I know you have a forgiving nature. I know you see the best in everyone else. And I know you have your heart set on ending up with him. But if he’s treated you poorly once, then he’s capable of doing it again. You don’t want to give him a million chances to shatter your heart. You don’t want to continue putting yourself back in the same situation, hoping things might change. Sometimes, it’s better to be a little bit cynical. It’s better to protect yourself from the heartache he’s already given you before.

2. Fighting for the relationship isn’t always the right move. Serious relationships require hard work and sacrifice. But if you’re the only one putting in that hard work, if you’re the only one making those sacrifices, something is wrong. Love is supposed to be a two-way street. You’re not supposed to be doing the bulk of the work. You’re supposed to be acting as a team. If that isn’t happening, if your relationship feels tipped to one side, then you might want to stop fighting. It’s important to know when enough is enough. When it’s time to walk away. When you’ve done all you can do.

3. The sweet guy you first met has layers to his personality. When you see the worst side of someone you thought you knew, it can be confusing. It’s common to convince yourself that the real him would never hurt you. It’s common to think he’s either a good guy or a bad guy. But there is an in-between. There is grey area. The sweet things he said were real. But so were the mean things. You have to accept both sides of him and ask yourself whether you’re able to handle it all (Hint: You should never settle for someone who treats you unkindly, even if it’s not an everyday thing.)

4. People can grow and change, but sometimes old situations bring back your old selves. It might seem like he’s changed from afar. You might think he deserves another chance because he’s doing so well since you’ve separated. But sometimes, patterns repeat themselves. Sometimes, certain pairs are toxic together. It doesn’t make either of you a bad person. It just makes you a bad fit. Even though it hurts to admit, you might be better off apart than you are together.

5. There are other people out there to love and kiss and date. It’s tempting to keep returning to someone you have history with because you already have feelings for them. You’re comfortable with them. You know them. Plus, as you get older, the pressure to settle down deepens. It feels easier to pick off where you left off with someone than it does to search for someone new. But running back to the past isn’t always a good idea. You stopped seeing each other for a reason. You were apart for a reason.

6. You deserve someone who doesn’t screw things up. This guy hurt you. He did you wrong. He made you cry your eyes out. He made you question your worth. You didn’t deserve any of that — and you deserve someone who would never put you through that.



























The below is a true story from Auburn Sandstrom that blew my mind and opened my heart. It is excerpted with permission from All These Wonders: True Stories about Facing the Unknown.

Read the whole thing. Trust me. Take the five minutes and be rewarded.

Enter Auburn…

The year is 1992, Ann Arbor, Michigan. I’m curled up in a fetal position on a filthy carpet in a very cluttered apartment. I’m in horrible withdrawal from a drug that I’ve been addicted to for several years now. 

In my hand I have a little piece of paper. It’s dilapidated because I’ve been folding it and unfolding it, to the point that it’s almost falling apart. But you can still make out the phone number on it. 

I am in a state of bald terror. If you’ve ever had an anxiety attack, that’s what this felt like. 

I’d been having a nonstop anxiety attack for the last five years. And I’d never been in a darker or more desperate place than I was that night. My husband was out running the streets, trying to get ahold of some of the stuff that we needed, but I knew if he succeeded, he was not going to share. 

And if I could, I would jump out of my own skin and run screaming into the streets to get what I need. But right behind me, sleeping in the bedroom, is my baby boy. 

Now, I wasn’t going to get a Mother of the Year award in 1992. In fact, at the age of twenty-nine, I was failing at a lot of things. 

I had started out fairly auspiciously. I was raised in comfort and privilege. I was that girl who had the opera lessons, spoke fluent French, and had her expensive undergraduate college paid for. I was that person who, when my checking account ran out, would say something to my parents and two hundred dollars would magically appear. 

I know, when the revolution comes, kill me first, right? 

So I had the year abroad. I had the master’s degree. I was, you know, pedigreed. 

But in my twenties, I ended up in Ann Arbor, Michigan, and I started noticing things like poverty and racism and unconscionable injustice. And that people like me were mostly causing it. It was a huge revelation for me. 

I came to the conclusion that the thing I needed to do with my privilege and all the comfort that I’d had all my life was to destroy it. 

Rip it in half. Spit on it. Piss on it. Set it on fire. 

And you know, every time I’ve come to a major faulty conclusion in life, the man comes right after who will help me live it out. And this time was no different. 

Man, he was beautiful—a radical, revolutionary, fine-ass poet from Detroit. 

I was twenty-four, he was forty, and I was smitten, in love. It was so exciting—who he was, how he talked, the way he looked at the world. And it was beautiful for a while, until he introduced me to one of his old activist friends, who introduced us to the drug I was now addicted to. 

I had tried to change my affiliations and transform myself. I had wanted to shed my class. I would have shed my race if I could have. 

But instead of transformation, you have me going ninety miles an hour down I-94 with my poet, in a car full of alcohol and illegal drugs. The baby’s in a car seat (it’s probably not a regulation car seat). He’s covered in candy and chocolate, because you have to keep the baby entertained while you’re taking care of your business, getting yourself some relief. 

This particular night it was bad because, if we were to have been pulled over, we were both on parole. So we would’ve both been locked up, and our child would have been taken from us. 

Underneath my withdrawal and terrible anxiety was a sure knowledge that I was leading the life that was going to lead to me to losing the most precious thing I’d ever had in my life, which was that baby boy. 

I was so desperate at that moment, that I became willing to punch the numbers into the phone. 

The phone number was something my mother had sent me. Now, mind you, I hadn’t been speaking to my parents or anybody else for three, four, five years. 

But she’d managed to get this number to me by mail, and she said, “Look, this is a Christian counselor, and since you can’t talk to anybody else, maybe sometime you could call this person.” 

Now, I think it goes without saying that I wasn’t hanging real tight with that sort of thing in those days. But I was so anxious and in such a desperate state. I was emaciated, covered in bruises. 

I punched in the numbers. I heard the phone pick up. 

I heard a man say, “Hello.” 

And I said, “Hi, I got this number from my mother. Uh, do you think you could maybe talk to me?” 

I heard him shuffling around in the bed, you know? You could tell he was pulling some sheets around himself and sitting up. I heard a little radio in the background, and he snapped it off, and he became very present. 

He said, “Yes, yes, yes. What’s going on?” 

I hadn’t told anybody, including myself, the truth, for a long, long time. And I told him I wasn’t feeling so good and that I was scared and that things had gotten pretty bad in my marriage. 

Before long I started telling him other truths, like I might have a drug problem, and I really, really love my husband, and I wouldn’t want you to say anything bad about him, but he has hit me a few times. And there was a time when he pushed my child and me out into the cold and slammed the door behind us. 

And then there was a time when we were going sixty miles an hour down the highway, and he tried to push us out of the moving vehicle. 

I started telling those truths. And this man didn’t judge me. He just sat with me and was present and listened and had such a kindness and such a gentleness. 

“Tell me more. . . . Oh, that must hurt. . . . Oh.” 

And do you know, I’d made that call at two in the morning. And he stayed up with me the whole night, just talking, just listening, just being there until the sun rose. 

By then I was feeling calm. The raw panic had passed. I was feeling okay. 

I was feeling like, I can splash my face with water today, and I can probably do this day. 

I wouldn’t have cared if the guy was like a Hare Krishna or a Buddhist—it didn’t matter to me what his faith was. 

I was very grateful to him, and so I said, “Hey, you know, I really appreciate you and what you’ve done for me tonight. Aren’t you supposed to be telling me to read some Bible verses or something? Because that’d be cool, I’ll do it, you know. It’s all right.” 

He laughed and said, “Well, I’m glad this was helpful to you.” 

And we talked some more, and I brought it up again. 

I said, “No, really. You’re very, very good at this. I mean, you’ve seriously done a big thing for me. How long have you been a Christian counselor?” 

There’s a long pause. I hear him shifting. “Auburn, please don’t hang up,” he says. “I’ve been trying not to bring this up.” 

“What?” I ask. 

“You won’t hang up?” 


“I’m so afraid to tell you this. But the number you called . . .” He pauses again. “You got the wrong number.” 

Well, I didn’t hang up on him, and we did talk a little longer. I never would get his name or call him back. 

But the next day I felt this kind of joy, like I was shining. I think I’ve heard them call it “the peace that passes understanding.” I had gotten to see that there was this completely random love in the universe. That it could be unconditional. And that some of it was for me. 

And I can’t tell you that I got my life totally together that day. But it became possible to get some help and get the hell out. And it also became possible as a teetotaling, semi-sane, single parent to raise up that precious, chocolate-covered baby boy into a magnificent young scholar and athlete, who graduated from Princeton University in 2013 with honors. 

This is what I know. In the deepest, blackest night of despair, if you can get just one pinhole of light . . . all of grace rushes in. 

AUBURN SANDSTROM is a senior lecturer (part-time) in college writing at the University of Akron. She won the Ohio Arts Council Award for fiction, a Citation for Teaching Excellence in Creative Writing from the University of Michigan, and a Cowden Award for fiction. She is a career college writing instructor with a master’s in fine arts (fiction), and she has an Ohio Language Arts Grades 7–12 Teaching Certification and an Ohio principal’s license grades 5–12. A longtime advocate for urban students, she is currently pursuing a PhD in urban education policy at Cleveland State University. 

This story was told on November 21, 2015, at the Academy of Music Theatre in Northampton, Massachusetts. The theme of the evening was “Lost and Found.” Director: Jenifer Hixson.

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